


Melted - Why is it so cold?

by creedation



Category: Persona 4, Persona Series
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-03-02 22:27:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2828258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creedation/pseuds/creedation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His story from beginning to end. Perhaps if he had met them sooner, his end wouldn't have been like this.</p>
<p>Based off a drawing from zdnil (tumblr) and AKMU's Melted. A simple idea of what Adachi's past might have been like to turn him into the person he is now. Credit to kpoplyrics.net for the translation of the lyrics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Melted - Why is it so cold?

「The blue ocean that the red sun used to wash its face turns black  
The white sky that had clouds and rain and the wind turns gray」

 

Of course I know how my story begins. Being as cynical as I grew to be, it all started when I was I was a kid. You’d think most people don’t remember most things that happen to them in their adolescence, but I remember everything. Every… damn...thing.

I wonder how or why things changed though. Maybe it was when he cheated on her. Maybe it started before that, but that’s the point I remember. Instead of leaving that unfaithful pig when she found out, she stayed…until she cracked. But by that point, it was already too late. When she dragged me out of the house that rainy night, it started her abusive lifestyle towards me. The words, the slaps, the fists… What the fuck did I do? Just a damn kid that studied harder than anyone but always fell short of everyone and everything. It’s imprinted in my brain the day when it all changed.

 

I waited outside of the kindergarten that fateful day. It was cold and I saw the breath that left my mouth as I pushed up my glasses. Hands gripped my bookbag resting on my shoulders as I looked out at the street, past the gate. The teacher waited with me, concerned that my mom hadn’t showed up and I was the only child left. The minutes turned into hours and no one showed up. Soon after, I steeled myself and told the teacher I could walk home by myself. I was pretty observant, so I remembered the way home, which roads to take. And before I waited for an answer, I ran off. I knew the teacher would protest, but… I didn’t want think about the fact that I might have been abandoned. I was a good kid. I did my homework, cleaned my room, told them what silly dreams of what I wanted to be when I was older. I have a vivid memory of me sneaking into my dad’s closet and putting on his clothes saying, “I’ll be a detective one day! I wanna help people and catch the bad guys!” Both of them smiled back at me and told me what an admirable young man I would become.

 

Was that all destroyed now?

 

I didn’t realize I ran all the way home until I got there. I tried to ignore the burning sensation in my chest as best as I could as my legs felt like jelly. I looked up at the door and was surprised to see it was ajar. I heard something that sounded like glass shattering and yelling from inside; sounded like my mom. No! Mom needs help and I said I wanted to catch the bad guys!

But when I dashed into the house, almost tripping over my own feet… only my mom and dad were there and she was screaming and throwing things at him. Did something happen? Where’s the bad guy?

The bad guy was my dad.

 

Five, seven, ten, eleven, fourteen, seventeen…. Honestly, how did I even keep going? I thought about ending myself. I thought about ending her to get away from the abuse I learned to deal with. But my dreams of being a detective would be crushed and I knew the repercussions of those actions if I would take them… And what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger right?  So I stuck it out until I could get away and go to a college to live on campus.

 

「I leave the darkness that finds my heart  
Even the cold shadow that covers the night starts to harden  
If the ice melts, a warmer song would have come out  
But why is the ice so cold? Why is it so cold?」

 

Some nights, I would dream about the days when my childhood was stolen from me. I grew, matured too fast. It was almost as if I could see the kid me standing in front of me. I couldn’t touch him, I couldn’t even get near him. But I could clearly his voice, my voice. Questions as to why this happened to me, what did I do to deserve this? Why was my innocence stolen from me? Why couldn’t I have been someone else’s child?

Each night I had the dream, it would progress and get worse. Water would form and then it would turn into ice. It would reach up, soak the shadow of younger myself, and freeze. And then, he would be wrapped up in ice coffin and chains. On occasions, the dream would allow me to get close enough to touch what bound the younger me, and the ice was so cold it would burn my skin. And those nights, my roommate woke me up. The night terrors woke him up with my constant cries and screams in my sleep. It was then I tried to seek out some sort of help, although I felt like I had coped long enough that any help I got now… wouldn’t do me any good.

 

「Why are they so cold  
Why are they so cold」

 

Emotional trauma. Thanks Doc, I already knew that. But I guess my problem were too deep for him to even chip the top of the iceberg. My parents were robbed from me and left monsters behind. The thing that got me this far was my dream of being a detective. I had something to look forward to. He said any other person would have cracked a long time ago and probably taken all this aggression out on someone or on myself.

If I couldn’t touch or unbind the kid me I saw in my dreams, how could I expect anyone else to?

Yeah, doc, I don’t know how I’m holding it together either.

 

「The blue ocean that the red sun used to wash its face  
I look at the past warmth that is deeply buried (too late get it out)  
I wish the cold in the world of adults would be gone too  
I wish the frozen love will melt away now」

 

So I grew into a cold bastard with a bunch of disappointment resting on my shoulders. I wasn’t good enough for anything. I threw myself into my studies to try and look past everything. And I was good, damn good, but not good enough. Someone bested me, received the things I believed I should have been the one to accept. In all my higher ups, when I wasn’t met with praise for my achievements, I saw the face of my parents. And on those days, it took everything to hold it together. I saw them in my teachers, my peers, managers, bosses, anyone who stolen the achievements of my efforts from me.

Just fuck everyone. I’m damn good at what I do. It’s your own fault if you can’t see how fucking great I am.

 

I don’t even know why I kept going back to the damn psychologist. But the day I stopped was when he asked me a question I couldn’t even answer. Or rather, the question I didn’t want anyone to ask me.

“Do you love yourself?”

What?

Why would you ask that? Of course I--

More importantly, did I even know what love was? I think I knew once… But one thing I did know was that I didn’t love myself.

I fucking hated myself. Every mirror in my apartment had a crack from punching it. I saw my parents features in face, my body. My own shortcomings made me hate myself. I tried my best. Tried? No, I DID my best, but it wasn’t ever good for anyone else. I closed myself off. I thought maybe if I got a girlfriend I could learn to believe in people and maybe love someone, maybe myself, or even relearn what love was. But that did little good because no female wanted me. I was “too obsessed with my dream to focus my time on them,” or I didn’t make “enough money” and they “couldn’t wait until I made a name for myself”. Was that all women wanted? Money, power, status?

Why don’t you fucking work for something, you damn slut?!

 

「I leave the darkness that finds my heart  
Even the cold shadow that covers the night starts to harden」

 

Like that day in kindergarten, I ran. Well no, it wasn’t really running when I was let go from my job. But I packed everything up and left for some backwater country. No one would know me; I could make a name for myself. The day my job decided it was my last day, I got word that my old man passed on. The whore he left my mom wound up giving him some STD he couldn’t recover from. Guess you should think about where and what you’re sticking your dick into huh?

And the day I left for Inaba, I picked up a newspaper before I departed for the train. I don’t know why my fingers flipped to the pages to the obituaries. As my eyes scanned the pages, I read that my mom kicked the can too. Took her own life by overdosing and mixing drugs and alcohol.

You’re the one who taught me what pain and suffering was and you thought it was okay to off yourself because things got too hard for you?

Stupid bitch.

 

「If the ice melts, a warmer song would have come out  
But why is the ice so cold? Why is it so cold?」

 

By the time I met Dojima-san… I was already too far gone…

By the time I met Souji-kun... There was no saving me… I couldn’t be saved.

 

「If the ice melts, a warmer song would have come out  
But why is the ice so cold? Why is it so cold?」

 

Why couldn’t I have met people like them earlier? Why couldn’t I have met them earlier? People who were there, people who cared. People who didn’t need to understand my past, but wanted to be a part of my future.

And being the shit human being I am, I threw it all way. I threw away my dream that I had finally been able to achieve because I lost my sense of self. I hated how stoic I had become. Because of that, I sought out something fun, exciting… and played a terrible game and lost. And now I’m paying for it.

“Adachi.”  
“Adachi-san.”

When I thought they would leave, they didn’t. They visit me when they can, which is more than I ever would have thought. Even though that kid went back to the city, he still made time to come see me. I’m labeled as a murderer and behind bars. Despite that, I’m still treated like family. Dojima-san, Souji-kun, even Nanako-chan… Why couldn’t my family be them? I would have turned out okay if it had been them. I would have made better choices if it had been them. I wouldn’t have ruined my life further if it had been them. My family… just why--

Why were they so cold  
Why were they so cold

 


End file.
